Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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