yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
