i used baking grease as lip gloss
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize