i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize