Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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