I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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