Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
