Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
