Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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