I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
