tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
