you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
