Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
