He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
