Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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