you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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