that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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