How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
