Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
