I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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