By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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