I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize