My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
A+ Viking dick
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize