I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
