I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
