Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
