i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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