yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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