Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
