Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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