I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the condom got lost in my hair
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We're too hungover to prance.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
