If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
