call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
