No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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