over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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