so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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