i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
FUCK WHALES
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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