If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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