I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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