my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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