You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
