I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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