just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We had sex on a dog bed..
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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