When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
