I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He passed out mid-signature
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
