You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
