did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
