why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
