Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Randomize
