i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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