No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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