Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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