Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
