you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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