i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
