just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
