i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
